Bedroom Negotiations

By Katie Newingham

My husband and I attended pre-marriage counseling almost ten years ago now. During one of our sessions, the counselor handed us a sheet of paper with ten ways to fight fairly. Of the ten, I use three regularly. When a fight breaks out, I try to use “I feel” statements instead of “You did this.” Second, I don’t let the sun go down on my anger. It helps that my counselor told me a simple caveat to this old proverb. He said, “If the fight starts after dark, you have another sunrise and sunset to make up.” Third, once I calm down, I begin to compromise or negotiate what’s most important to me.

One thing my marriage counselor didn’t tell me during any of our sessions together: when to negotiate. All he said was to wait for a calm, clear moment. It took me several years to figure out the calmest, most clear moment happened to be in our bedroom between the sheets.

Yes ladies, I’m talking about SEX. Now please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying to manipulate your man. What I am saying is men feel loved through sex, and when they feel loved, they’re much more likely to see things from your perspective. I’m also not suggesting you need to have sex every time you have a fight – that could really add up for some of us. Every couple has to negotiate their own sex life, and as long as you’re having it and you’re happy about it, that’s all that matters.

Now, if you’re interested in learning how to negotiate in the boardroom – I mean bedroom, you have to let go of the things that don’t matter. Our husbands will never see their socks on the floor, they will never close the lid on the toilet seat, and they will never be sensitive like your girlfriend. Consider this, if it were possible to mold and shape them the way we think we want them, so much time would pass we’d want something totally different in the end and have to start all over again.

Instead, pick one thing that really matters to you. Maybe you feel like you’re two ships passing in the night and you want to ask him to make you a priority. Wait for the perfect time. You’re well rested (that’s a joke), maybe we should lower the bar, you’ve showered, and you’re not feeling disgusted by the thought of sex.

Scratch that last paragraph. Don’t wait for the perfect time. Just go for it with a good since of humor, according to comedian Bill Engvall.

“I think sex gets better the longer you’re married, I really do,” Engvall said during his Here’s Your Sign Tour. “Anybody laughed with your partner during sex? You bet you have, man. One night, we had a little interlude and our bodies got sweaty right there at our stomachs and made that little noise you use to make with your armpit. We laughed our butts off.”

Take note ladies, these jovial times are the golden opportunities to share your hearts. The important thing is not to take your self too seriously, and for some reason it’s hard to take yourself seriously after the deed has been done.

I have this saying in our home, “If everyone’s needs are met, we’re a happy family.” Usually I use this slogan when my daughter is bidding for my attention while my son is screaming out of hunger. But it goes for the whole family. Since my husband doesn’t communicate the way I do, I have to get on his level to get my needs met, and his level often includes the first floor master suite.

Happy Valentine's Day,

Katie Newingham
Editor-in-Chief

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