by Dr. Melissa Nelson

Recently a group of my friends were discussing a book called Forty Beads by Carolyn Evans. It is the story of how a new approach to sex - using beads as a kind of token system - transformed the marriage of the author. As the discussion developed, every girl in the group had an opinion. Some were shocked, some skeptical, and those who had tried it were pretty darn pleased with themselves. I decided to read the book for myself. It turns out it’s a funny, tell-it-like-it-is story of a marriage most of us can relate to. And the fact that such a simple idea can change the whole tone of your relationship with your husband is exciting. I talked with author Carolyn Evans about her story and the book it inspired.

Q. How does the 40 Beads Method work?

A. The Forty Beads Method evolved from a gift I gave my husband for his 40th birthday. We hadn’t been getting along very well and two nights before his big day, I decided to give my husband a whole lot of what he loves best in this world: sex. I gave him forty straight days of sex, only when I woke the next morning and realized what I’d done, I became painfully aware of the fact that I don’t have the emotional stamina or bodily constitution to survive that much sex. I saw myself laid up in a hospital bed accepting antibiotics intravenously.

Time was short and I had to work out a way to make my gift do-able, so I tweaked my original offer and gave my husband forty Beads—each one good for a roll in the hay. I invited him to drop a Bead into my Beadcatcher, the bowl by my bed, to signal his interest in sex—with the understanding that I would be a sure thing within 24 hours.

Q.  Sex with your husband as often as he wants - that's a scary idea for a lot of women. How do you respond to that?

A.  The Method is not about sex on demand or as often as a husband wants. It's important that husbands understand that if they engage in some crazy, incessant Bead dropping, they're likely to get their Beads snatched away from them. A woman is not giving up control over her sexual destiny when she uses The Forty Beads Method. We modern women know that we’re the gatekeepers of sex in our marriages. Women who Bead realize that when they loosen their grip as the gatekeeper, they open themselves up to the possibility for so much more in the relationship. When the power is shared, it benefits the relationship. Also, don’t forget, a Beading women reserves the right to “turtle” her Beadcatcher — turning her Bead bowl over — in the case of really bad behavior on the part of her Beading partner.

Q.  Why do you think it's so effective?

A.  It’s so common that, over time, sex in a marriage gets laden with negatives — guilt, anger, and frustration. The Forty Beads Method creates a major shift that reframes the sexual relationship and makes sex something fun to anticipate, laugh about and initiate. It brings the playfulness back. I’ve heard some Beading couples have this secret Bead-speak over breakfast, “Honey do you like beads?” Sharing a secret creates intimacy.

Q.  What is the best thing the beads have done for your marriage?

A.  This Method has increased my own libido and put my husband and I on the same sexual page. It creates a situation where both partners are looking together in the same direction--that's pretty valuable to a marriage, right?

Q.  Will this work for women with small children?

A.  Absolutely. I've heard from thousands of women with small children who tell me that The Forty Beads Method has really helped them make intimacy a priority again in their marriage.

In 40 short chapters, Evans illuminates her readers in psychologically-savvy detail why sex is so important to the success of a marriage, and exactly how to pull it to the front burner of their relationship in a playful, fun way with The Forty Beads Method. To purchase a copy of the book, visit http://www.fortybeads.com/book/

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