by Courtney A. Buxton

Welcome to an article I never thought I would write. Of course we are talking about sex for the February issue, but I thought I was safe since I write the Faith column. Not so much. Turns out, there is a lot to say about faith and sex. They are not mutually exclusive terms. In fact, in marriage, they should be working together.

No matter how stoic your spouse, you two have a certain level of spiritual intimacy. After all, you dedicated your lives to one another, you are raising children together, and you regularly clean spit up off the back of each other’s shirts. That takes love and commitment. Ultimately, that level of dedication to one another, and faith in your marriage, should translate into great sex.

How? This requires an expert. I turned to my friend, local licensed professional counselor, and happily married mother of two, Brooke Dooley. Brooke is the owner of Charleston Counseling, and as part of her practice, she counsels couples on how to stay close in their relationships. She helps couples establish positive behaviors, and identify and eliminate negative ones. I am so glad to have her here as our guest. Take a peek at our conversation:

Q. Brooke, we know that sex is important to a marriage, but is there ever a time when it is okay to take a break from sex – like right after you've had a baby and Mom is just plain exhausted?

A. I think almost all women experience a significant decrease in desire postpartum, especially if they are breastfeeding. And unfortunately, most men have already had a bit of a break from sex in late pregnancy so they are counting down the days to that six-week mark. So it is definitely a challenge during those early months, especially depending on how the baby is doing with sleeping, to be on the same page sexually. While I don’t think that taking a “break” from sex is necessarily the answer, definitely communicating with your partner ahead of time and preparing him that your libido may take a while to bounce back is helpful.

Q.  Okay, but sometimes it is hard for a new mom to mentally adjust to her role. She spends all day being a maternal caregiver, and finds it hard to be sexy at night. What are your suggestions for shedding the "Mama" feeling and getting in the right mood?

A.  A hotel! I’m only half kidding. Most couples with small children do not get away enough, and obviously finances and childcare are a large part of that. But it is crucial to find time as a couple to rekindle your intimacy, even if it is taking a shower together or just spending time touching and caressing each other. Sometimes if you make an intention to touch more, you remember how good sex can be and will make it more of a priority. Also, the importance of exercise cannot be understated. Even if you have not gotten to a point of loving your body or feeling completely sexy, exercising regularly can make new moms feels stronger and more empowered both biochemically and emotionally.

Q.  Hmm . . . another reason to exercise! Let’s talk about spiritual intimacy. Women often want better emotional connections with their husbands; more understanding of one another and better communication. Men seem to want more sex. What is your advice for meeting in the middle?

A.  This is the age old issue . . . women need to feel safe and connected in order to open themselves sexually and men need to have sex to feel safe and connected! The meeting in the middle concept is pretty much the norm, because the basic biology of how the sexes are wired is not changing anytime soon. The foundation for good sex is a happy and close relationship, so practicing behaviors that are proven by research to predict happiness, such as showing an interest in your partner’s world, going out of your way to communicate your love for them and trying to modulate your feelings during times of disagreement, will be the thing that draws both sexes into the bedroom.

Q.  And speaking of the bedroom, is it true that married people have better sex? Why?

I have heard time and time again that often the best sex happens in marriages. Although some of the initial sexual chemistry and attraction will inevitably wane, true sexual intimacy comes from having a deep sense of comfort with your partner and the feeling that you are safe and accepted. On a spiritual level, the commitment of marriage symbolizes that someone is standing with you through life’s stresses and struggles. Sexually, you are providing pleasure for the person in the world who has pledged themselves to you. That can be pretty sexy!

Q.  Well, when you put it that way, it is! One more question: Having a baby is huge a bonding experience for most couples. How can we take that intimate experience and translate it into greater intimacy in the bedroom?

A.  Well, the research shows that the first few years after a couple has a new baby, they often report a decrease in their marital satisfaction. I know that may be discouraging to hear, but I think not having any idea that that can happen, and feeling that you are the only couple who might not be in a blissed out state, makes it so much worse. Having a baby is an incredible experience for a couple, but also is an incredible change that takes lots of adjustment and adds to the stress level. So if you can be patient with one another and try not to have huge expectations of how this might make your sex life better, that will remove some of the pressure. That being said, the opportunity to deepen your sexual intimacy is always there, by making it a priority and nurturing each other both inside and outside of the bedroom.

Brooke’s motto is, “No matter how you are feeling, there is hope . . . “ If you would like to meet with her or discuss possible therapy, you can contact her at: Brooke Dooley, LPC, Charleston Counseling, 1060B Cliffwood Street, Mt. Pleasant, SC 29464; 843-270-8024 or brooke@charlestoncounseling.org

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